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Tips for a Better
Husband and Wife Relationship
Although many Muslims may right now be in failing marriages and
on a fast track to divorce and its terrible consequences, there
are many ways to put their marriage back on the right track if
the husband and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile.
The following principles can be used by Muslims whose marriages
are already in trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid
trouble in their marriage.
Examples of Negative
Relationship of Husband & Wife
Many Muslim husbands and wives treat each other
like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he
is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she
must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives
never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything
he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and
buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not
give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy.
Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them,
and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or
opinion in the family.
Marriage In The Eyes of Allah
It is very sad that this relationship which Allah
(SWT) has established for the good has been made a source of
contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and
abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.
Allah (SWT) described marriage very differently
in the Holy Quran: '. . . He created for you mates from among
yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He
has put love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . " (Holy Quran
30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).
Do not be a Tyrant
Regardless of whether or not Islam has made the
husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to
be dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our wives well.
The Prophet Muhammad (SAWA) was reported to have said: 'The most
perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent
behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best
towards their wives".
Be Partners in the Decision Making Process.
Follow the principle of 'Shura," and make decisions as a
family. There will be much more harmony in the family when
decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some
part in making them.
Never be Emotionally
Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to
your spouse. The Prophet (SAWA) never mistreated his wives. He
is reported to have said: 'How could they beat their women in
daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night?"
Be Careful of Your Words
Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes
you will say things that you would never say when you were not
angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before
continuing the conversation.
Show Affection
Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.
Be Your Spouse's Friend
Show interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the
same house but know nothing about each other's lives. It would
be great if the husband and wife could work together for the
same cause or on the same project. They could perhaps establish
a husband/wife prison ministry, take care of orphans in their
home, or lead an Islamic weekend class.
Show Appreciation
Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family.
Never make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough
for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or
his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even
trying to provide for the family. The Prophet (SAWA) was
reported to have said: 'On the Day of Judgment, God will not
look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband."
(where is this hadith found) Show your wife that you appreciate
her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don't take
it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel
unappreciated.
Work Together in the House
The Prophet (SAWA) is known to have helped his wives in the
house. And if the Prophet (SAWA) was not above doing housework,
modern Muslim husbands shouldn't feel that they are.
Communication is Important
Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big
word in counseling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to
talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and
honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs.
Forget Past Problems
Don't bring up past problems once they have been solved.
Live Simply
Don't be jealous of those who seem to be living a more
luxurious life than your family. The 'rizq" is from Allah (SWT).
In order to develop the quality of contentment, look at those
people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank
Allah (SWT) for the many blessings in your life.
Give Your Spouse Time Alone
If your mate doesn't want to be with you all the time, it
doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you. People need to be alone
for various reasons. Sometimes they want to read, to think about
their problems, or just to relax. Don't make them feel that they
are committing a sin.
Admit Your Mistakes
When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a
mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to
sleep angry with each other.
Physical Relationship is Important
Be available to your mate sexually, and don't let your
sexual relationship be characterized by selfishness. The Prophet
(SAWA) was reported to have said: 'It is not appropriate that
you fall upon your wives like a beast but you must send a
message of love beforehand."
Have Meals Together
Try to eat together as a family when possible. Show the cook
and the dishwasher, whether it is the husband or the wife,
appreciation for his or her efforts. The Prophet (SAWA) did not
complain about food that was put before him.
Be Mindful of Your discussion Topics
Never discuss with others things about your marriage that
your spouse wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there is an
Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or
not, complain to others about their mate's physical appearance.
This is a recipe for disaster. Information about your intimate
relations should be kept between you and your spouse.
Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat
others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient.
With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of
course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times ---
when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. After a bad
day at the office, husbands usually come home angry and on edge.
The wife has probably also had a hard day with the children and
the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential
time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other
during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than
automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.
Good marriages require patience, kindness,
humility, sacrifice, empathy, love,
understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these
principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of
them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your
spouse the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this
rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success.
If you discard this rule, failure is just around the corner.
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